Saying goodbye

September 28, 2011 is a day I've been dreading since they told us that our precious girl left us. This was the day that it all became undeniable, she is really gone. On this day I had to say my final fair wells. I know she has been gone for over a week but she was still with me. I still carried her under my heart, now she is only in my heart.

I no longer have her, I will never know if she would have Kai's blond hair or Trais' green eyes or would she be just as sassy as her sister? Today we said goodbye to our angel and no matter how hard I try to pretend things are different they aren't and this is the hand we have been dealt. It's not fair and I don't like it but we will survive and hopefully come out of this better people.

My rant

I don't wanna be strong anymore all I wanna do is sit in a corner and cry. It's not fair I wanted her with me I wanted to raise her why didn't he let me? I'll never be able to hold her in my arms, kiss her face, or listen to my daughters tell each other secrets. How am I supposed to tell my kids that their sister is gone before they even got to meet her.

I know they say the lord never gives you more than you can handle I just wish he didn't have so much faith in me. This horrible feeling that I have been robbed will pass right. I mean it can't last forever, after all nothing last forever.

I feel drained mentally and physically and it is so hard to put on a happy face and me normal mom for my babies when a piece of me has died but I don't feel it is fair to them to be consumed by these feeling so I will continue to smile and play and when I am alone at night I will cry into my husbands chest for our lost angel.

Jaysen Avery Sanchez

So out of everything I have posted this is by far the hardest.

Today we went to see the doctor for a sono and a echo, I have been very nervous for the last few days. They nurse called us back and did my weight ( I lost 3 pounds ) and blood pressure. My heart rate was 111 by this time, they took us back to a sono room and had the sonographer come in and start the process.

She told us right off the bat she was only there to do measurements that our doctor would do everything else. Leo and I both knew when we didn't see our normally very active baby moving we knew what was coming.

When the doctor came in and talk a little and I told her we knew we had a very small window but we were praying for the best. When she did a close up of her chest and there were no heart tones it was confirmation of what we had already suspected that our baby girl had been called home before we ever got to hold her.

We are taking comfort in knowing that our daughter is with the lord and someday we will get to see her . The hardest part is going to be explaining to our kids that their baby sister is not going to be joining them here on earth, instead they have to wait till they too are called home to be with the lord before they can play with her.

Leo and I have decided to name our baby girl Jaysen Avery.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers during this tough time. We ask that you say a prayer of strength and healing for our family.

Freaking out....

Tomorrow is our first appointment since the Turners diagnosis and I am starting to freak out. I know it's scary for all moms, everyone worries about their babies & can't wait to hear the heartbeat but my biggest worry is there won't be a heartbeat. When you are told your baby has a 1-2% chance of making it to term the worries don't stop until she is in my arms and then we could have a whole new set of concerns. We are praying everyday that the lord will heal our sweet baby. Please continue to pray for our little girls healing.

I had planned on Italy.

I found this on the Prayers for Mason blog and was amazed by how much it spoke of the journey that we find ourselves on.

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy.
You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make wonderful plans.
The Coliseum.
The Michelangelo David.
The gondolas in Venice.

You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full
of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new
language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you never would have
met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after
you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you
begin to notice Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland is still a beautiful place.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging
about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say,
“Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that
dream is a very, very significant loss.

But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to go to Italy, you
may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

By Emily Perl Kingsley

Turner Syndrome

Today we received the results from our CVS and the outcome wasn't the normal we were praying for but Turner Syndrome. For those of you that have never heard of TS before it is the absence of an entire sex chromosome. This abnormality can cause several medical problems including but not limited to cardiovascular malformations, kidney abnormalities, thyroid disorders, a higher risk for diabetes, and infertility. There are also several physical indicators for TS but they are not something all TS girls have. Our daughter can survive TS she can live a normal life can become whatever she wants.

We are not out of the woods yet there is a higher risk of miscarriage with TS and we are still dealing with the CH as well. We head back to the doctor on Sept 22 for another ultrasound and an echo to check the babies heart. Leo and I have decided that no matter what happens we will see this pregnancy to the end that when the lord calls our baby home that will be his decision and we will do nothing to accelerate it. We are praying that he lets us raise our little girl so that she will know the love of her family but we are prepared for the worst. Don't feel sorry for us we are so very excited to welcome our newest daughter into the family and cant wait to see her beautiful face.

Hope

After many hours of searching the internet for a happy ending CH story (which are hard to find on google) I came across a wonderful Cystic Hygroma Support Group where hundreds of women tells their stories and experiences with CH. Not every story was a happy one but so many are. I counted over 100 stories of perfect babies born after a CH resolved itself.

We have been very lucky and not once has our doctor recommended termination but not all doctors are like him most press termination as soon as CH is diagnosed. Many of the women on the site believe the resolution rate is actually much higher then what the doctors say because so many women are pressured into termination. The support group has given me hope.

Last night I dreamed of the baby, she was beautiful, healthy and perfect in every way. The dream was so real I could still smell the sweet sent of my baby when I woke up. I honestly thought I would roll over and see my perfect newborn lying next to me all snuggled up and warm. It almost hurt when I realized it was just a dream. Please continue to pray for our tiny person's healing. We are so very thankful to all of you.

Research can never prepare you for the pain.

Today was the day of our CVS procedure and I thought I was prepared for what was to come. But let me tell you no amount of research ever prepares you for having a 6 inch needle shoved into your placenta through your abdomen and uterus. When the doctor said you may feel slight cramping in your uterus, did nothing to prepare me for the ice pick that was slammed into my uterus and cervix. My research also didn't prepare me for the fact that the doctor would then need to twist and tilt said 6 inch needle.

My mom was kind enough to take a few pictures while everything was happening. Please ignore my neon white skin tone :)

looking for the placenta

Lots of iodine

getting ready to put the needle in

Can you see how white my fingers are from squeezing Leo's hand

If you look real close you can see the needle sitting on my lap.

Devastating news

It has been so long since I have last posted anything on here but as of 2 weeks ago our lives have taken a drastic turn.

We are expecting baby number 4 and no this baby was not planned but much wanted. After having 3 kiddos in the hospital we decided this time would be different this time we would deliver with a midwife, no drugs, in a birthing center. At our first appointment the midwife noticed that our dates and the uterus size did not match she said we felt more like 8-9 weeks instead of the 11 we thought so we where sent in for a routine ultrasound to find out our correct date. Several hours later our midwife called to tell me that the baby measured at 9 weeks which gave us the due date of March 13 and she also began to tell me that they had found a rim of fluid around our baby's head and that we needed to see a specialist in Fort Worth. Needless to say I was shocked and worried but figured it was jut a bad sono picture I mean after all I am a mother of 3 healthy babies and I was positive that #4 would be no different.

Today nearly 2 weeks after "The Call" we went to see the specialist in Fort Worth, Dr. Thigpen and had another ultrasound done and this time we have a diagnosis cystic hygroma.

Cystic hygromas are fluid-filled sacs that result from a blockage in the lymphatic system. What causes these blockages could be number of things that are all terrifying including several chromosomal abnormalities but Dr. Thigpen did give us 25% chance that it would go away on its own, that the cause would just be one of the many mysteries of a developing baby.

I return on Monday for a CVS test (chorionic villas sampling) at the appointment they will take a sample of the placenta to run genetic test to see what if anything is wrong with our baby.

I'm so terrified I have barely stopped crying I'm not sure what to do with myself except pray to beg the lord to fix our baby, to make everything ok. We hadn't even told anyone about the baby yet. Now we are telling our family about the baby and the hygroma asking them to pray, pray for strength, pray for understanding, pray for healing. We will get through whatever the lord has in store for us. We have each other, our babies and you guys our family and friends.